


gatekeeper

by Iwillseduceyouwithmyweirdness



Series: Gay Disaster Peter Parker [2]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Gay Peter Parker, Gen, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, Iron Dad, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Precious Peter Parker, alexa this is so sad play despacito, mentioned PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-06
Updated: 2018-07-06
Packaged: 2019-06-06 11:09:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15193493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iwillseduceyouwithmyweirdness/pseuds/Iwillseduceyouwithmyweirdness
Summary: Peter should have known that Tony would ask eventually. The man didn’t seem to miss anything, and was especially keen on picking up on things that Peter would rather stay unmentioned. As such, he should have seen the questions coming. After all, what teenage boy carries a hairband on his wrist constantly when they don’t even have hair long enough to tie back? Peter asked himself bitterly, resisting the urge to flick the band as he did so.or Peter finally talks to Tony about what has been bothering him, although it takes a little persuation





	gatekeeper

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, so this is just a little filler in between me writing some of the other coming out fics i have planned for this series, i wanted to do this fic first because it contains some ideas that i would like to use in the other fics, although hopefully they wont be so angsty. This could also easily be read as a stand alone, and you dont really need to read the other works in this series to know what is going on. it obviously contains references to self harm, although there isnt any graphic description of it. Please be safe.

Peter should have known that Tony would ask eventually. The man didn’t seem to miss anything, and was especially keen on picking up on things that Peter would rather stay unmentioned. As such, he should have seen the questions coming. _After all, what teenage boy carries a hairband on his wrist constantly when they don’t even have hair long enough to tie back?_ Peter asked himself bitterly, resisting the urge to flick the band as he did so.

 

It hadn’t been long after the incident with the Vulture that Peter had had his first Bad DayTM while he was with Tony. Typically, now that he was _finally_ getting to hang out with his childhood hero, his mental health had taken a turn for the worst yet again. He had been diagnosed with depression and anxiety long before becoming spider man, but his medication had stopped working the moment that he had been bitten, given the fact that his metabolism went into overdrive.

 

Not long after, Mr Stark had found him and chartered him a private jet to Germany so that he could fight against _Captain America_ no less. It was crazy. He still had nightmares about fighting with the Winter Soldier, despite having long since made up with him. They were now as close to friends as they were ever likely to be.

 

After everything that had happened at homecoming, Peter had started to experience flash backs. One minute, he would be going about his day quite happily, and the next he would be crushed under piles of rubble, water dripping all around him, dust choking his lungs and no one to save him.

 

It was hardly surprising that he had started to fall back into old habits.

 

The first time it had happened, he had been studying for his Spanish exam after patrol when his lungs had started to fill with grit, and his body started to succumb to the weight of the concrete and iron girders on his back. _I don’t have time for this right now,_ Peter thought bitterly, knowing that he would more than likely fail if he didn’t get in a good few hours of study before he finally allowed himself to sleep. As it was, it was already close to 2 am. He dug his nails viciously into the soft skin on the inside of his left wrist, desperately trying to remind himself where he was. Little by little, the weight on his chest receded. _It had worked._ He would be lying if he had said he wasn’t a little surprised and disgusted about what he had just done.

 

It hadn’t taken long for things to progress back to using a blade again. Given Peter’s advanced healing, it didn’t really seem to matter. Whatever injury he made was gone within hours; he had boundaries that he wouldn’t allow himself to cross, and that meant that he wouldn’t cut deep enough for the injury to last more than a few hours before it had scabbed over.

 

Life carried on around the ruins of his brain, and he started meeting Tony regularly most weekends to work on various science projects and discuss the latest films over coffee and doughnuts (for which Peter had a fatal weakness).

 

That is, until the day that Flash called him _fag_ for the first time, and Peter cut so deep that it took two weeks to heal completely, leaving three sickeningly white scars across the top of his right thigh. He cancelled on Tony every time he tried to make plans until the scars had healed completely, much to both of their annoyance.

 

It was at that point that Peter realised he needed help. He could still remember how difficult it had been to kick his habit the first time, and he doubted that it would be any easier on his second try.

 

 

 

It had been a rainy Tuesday when things had started to fall apart. Tony had been sending Peter curious glances for weeks every time that he had flicked the band on his wrist. The concern in the looks he cast at Peter had dramatically increased ever since the incident where he had dropped off the face of the earth for a couple of weeks without ever really giving a proper explanation no matter how hard Tony pushed. He had hoped that ignoring Mr Stark’s questioning gaze would be enough for Tony to get the message that this was just one of the parts of his life that was off limits.

 

Unfortunately, Tony didn’t seem to get the memo.

 

‘Hey, Pete, can I ask you something?’ Tony said, trying and failing to keep his voice casual.

 

‘Sure,’ Peter kept his eyes on the motherboard that he was currently soldering, praying that his mentor wasn’t about to ask him about the warn elastic band that was currently wrapped around his wrist.

 

‘Why do you always snap that elastic band on your wrist?’

 

A small part of Peter died.

 

He gently put down the soldering iron, not trusting himself to do a good job of his task while his mind was so clearly elsewhere, and pulled his hands into his lap, desperately trying not to flick the band while he was talking to Tony. ‘Oh – I – uh – I hadn’t noticed.’

 

Tony’s expression hardened. ‘Sure, kid. You didn’t notice that you’ve been snapping that band for _months_ while we’ve been working together. Pete, I may not be great at dealing with my own emotions, but I’m pretty good at reading other people’s, and you always seem pretty guilty when you flick that.’ Tony gestured vaguely towards the band, pulling his hand up short when Peter flinched (it was just another odd behaviour that Peter had yet to let Tony in on). Flash had been pretty rough with him recently, and he seemed to be getting more and more jumpy with each time he was targeted.

 

‘Sorry Mr Stark, I don’t like doing it when there are other people around. I try not to.’

 

‘I’m not asking you not to,’ Tony sighed. ‘I’m asking you why.’

 

Peter couldn’t believe he was talking to _Iron Man_ about his self harm issues. ‘There isn’t really a reason.’

 

‘Oh really? Because I had Friday look it up for me, and that’s not what the internet seems to think.’

 

Peter was caught so off guard that he forgot to hide the look of shock and horror from his face when he glanced up at his mentor. Tony gave him a knowing smile that seemed to say _I knew it_ before he carried on studying the blue prints for a new piece of tech for Bruce. It was both a blessing and a curse that Tony seemed to know exactly when to push Peter and when to back off. Right now, he seemed to want to wait to see if his kid would make the next move, and it unsettled Peter to no end.

 

‘So what – what did Friday think it was?’ He asked sheepishly. The guilt clouding his voice was a sickening reminder to Tony that Peter was much more damaged than he let on.

 

‘The most common search result was that it was a coping technique for people who are trying to stop self harming.’ Tony was unbelievably casual, and it made Peter want to punch something. Somehow, the fact that his mentor was trying not to scare him off with heavy accusations just made the whole thing worse; he deserved Tony shouting. He knew that Tony wanted him to _be better._

 

Peter deflated, curling in on himself and laying his head gently on the desk. ‘I’m sorry Mr Stark.’

 

Tony hesitated for a fraction of a second before he moved closer to Peter. He knew the kid had a _thing_ about personal space, and the last thing he wanted to do was to make him uncomfortable at a time like this. ‘Come on Pete, head off the desk,’ he coaxed, getting as close as he dared without actually touching him (he definitely didn’t want another elbow to the stomach any time soon; the bruise had lasted weeks the last time that he had forgotten Peter’s rule that he shouldn’t be touched  when he was upset). ‘Come on buddy, you can’t put your head there. For a start, you’re dangerously close to setting your hair on fire with the soldering iron,’ Tony murmured fondly, dragging Peter’s equipment out of harm’s way. ‘And for another thing, I’d like us to talk about this properly so that I know how to help you better in the future.’

 

Stillness fell over the room, and for a moment, Tony thought that the kid might just ignore him, but as soon as he heard the low whine in the back of Peter’s throat he knew he had won. Tony tapped the table twice – half as encouragement for Peter to raise his head, and half as a substitute for patting the boy on the back in praise for agreeing to talk. ‘I’m only going to answer the questions you ask though, so don’t expect a whole dramatic sob story.’ He said grumpily once he had dragged himself back into a sitting position.  ‘And you can’t tell anyone about this. Especially not May.’

 

Tony eagerly grabbed a chair and dragged it to sit next to his kid – something told him that his physical presence was the most he could offer Peter by way of comfort for the time being. ‘So,’ he began once he realised that Peter wasn’t going to say anything more without prompting. ‘When did this start?’

 

‘That’s kind of a complicated question,’ Peter said, thinking back to the first time he had taken a blade to his own skin. He’d been so unbelievably young and he had just realised he liked boys in a way that he wasn’t supposed to. Part of him still was that scared child, but he wasn’t about to cry to Tony about it. ‘Can you be more specific?’ He asked instead.

 

‘When was the first time you hurt yourself?’

 

‘I was twelve I think, maybe a bit younger.’

 

Somewhere in Tony’s expression, Peter thought he saw his mentor’s hearts break a little. He looked away before he could see anything else that would make him feel worse about the situation than he already did.  ‘And you – you’ve been – all this time – how long have you been trying to stop?’

 

_Again, not the easiest question to answer Mr Stark. Can’t we just drop this? The new Iron Man suit won’t build itself._ ‘The first time I tried to stop was about two years ago.’ The evenness of Peter’s tone surprised them both. ‘It – uh – it went well for like a year. I only had a few relapses. And then a little while ago, I had a pretty major slip up. I’ve been trying to stop again for about a month now.’

 

‘Was your – _slip up_ – because of me ignoring you?’

 

_It really didn’t help Mr Stark._ ‘Don’t flatter yourself,’ Peter scoffed a little too quickly. He chanced a glance at Tony’s expression and immediately regretted it, instead choosing to settle his gaze on a particularly interesting floor tile. ‘I’m not going to lie, I really could have done with having a little guidance, but it wasn’t the main reason that things got bad again.’

 

‘I’m so sorry Pete. From now on, things will be different.’ Peter could see Tony was itching to reach out and comfort him, but thankfully, he kept his hands twisted in his lap instead. ‘What was the main reason?’

 

‘Just teenage stuff. Nothing important.’

 

‘If it bothered you that much it obviously is important Pete.’

 

Peter knew it was important, but he could hardly sit there and tell _Iron Man_ that he hurt himself because some dick at school was bullying him for being gay. He wasn’t even _out_ to anyone yet. He refused to let the first person he told be someone who used to be on posters plastered to his bedroom wall.

 

‘It’s – uh – it’s just a little weird saying it to one of _earth’s mightiest heroes_.’ Peter quipped. He was glad when he heard Tony attempt to chuckle; _anything to lighten the mood_ , he thought bleakly.

 

‘Okay. You don’t have to tell me now, but maybe another time we can talk about it, yeah?’ There was a small pause in which time Peter hoped that maybe Tony had run out of questions for him. Unfortunately, it wasn’t long before he was speaking again, ‘why don’t you like to snap the band in front of people?’

 

Peter frowned; he thought the answer was obvious, but his mentor seemed genuinely curious. ‘It just feels sacrilegious.’

 

‘Why?’

 

Peter closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Normally at this point in such an intense conversation, he would be snapping the elastic band on his wrist regularly. It had become something of a comfort blanket for him, and it took all of his will power not to use his coping mechanism while he talking to Tony. ‘Did your research explain –’ He stopped and started over. ‘The purpose of the band is to act as a substitute for self harm. I _hate_ snapping it when I’m with someone else because I would never hurt myself the way I used to in front of someone. It just feels like I’m doing something unforgivable by relying on it when there’s someone else around. But sometimes it’s unavoidable. There are times I don’t even notice I’m doing it until after it’s already happened.’ Shame was crawling its way up Peter’s throat.

 

Tony was frowning again, and Peter decided that he would never make his mentor look so concerned for a second time. ‘I’m sorry Mr Stark.’

 

‘No. This isn’t something you ever have to apologise for. You’re trying to get better, and that is so fucking brave, kid. I can’t imagine what it must be like to deal with this kind of thing on your own, but it takes guts.’ He paused, running his hands through his hair. ‘I get that you’re finding this conversation awkward, but I need you to know that if you _ever_ need me, or if there is anything I can do to help, you just call me, alright? I’ll help you in any way I can.’ The genuine tone of Tony’s voice surprised Peter slightly; up until that point, he had assumed he was just an asset that Mr Stark wanted to keep tabs on. Now, however, he thought that _just maybe_ Tony cared about him as much as Peter wanted him to. The thought was both terrifying and a relief at the same time.

 

‘Thank you, Mr Stark.’

 

‘Tony.’ He corrected, a slight smile flashing across his face.

 

‘Tony.’ Peter agreed, picking the soldering iron up again.

 

Work in the lab resumed slowly, and normal conversation crept back quicker than Peter had expected. Despite the fact that someone now knew (one of) his big secret(s), he felt surprisingly calm about it. If anything, telling Tony had made him feel safer instead of out of control. Peter was under no illusions as to how much further he had to go, but for the first time in months – or maybe even years – the prospect of recovery seemed a lot more like a reality. Even after Peter had left the lab, he still refused to snap the band on his wrist. For today at least he felt strong enough to fight back against the intrusive thoughts on his own.


End file.
